"A Month in the Country", Cosmetic Surgery, and "Misconception of the Direction of Time" Syndrome

Up early. Checked mail. Received a pen pal letter from some guy called "Ballpoint". Found it hard to read until I opened the envelope. He said he would like to visit me. As he only lives two doors up from me, I'll probably see him when I'm out walking.

Last Thursday I went to see a performance of Ivan Turgenev's play, "A Month in the Country". I had to leave three days after the start of the production as I was hallucinating due to lack of food and drink. Also, my wife rang to enquire if I'd seen her mustache trimmer, hair gel , brass knuckles, and police baton. She had an appointment with a plastic surgeon later in the afternoon. The disconcerting part is that she wants to undergo "penis enlargement". Eventually, she wants us to be known - simply - as "Mr & Mr Doppelgänger" - who gets first billing is anyone's guess? My wife previously paid to have a mole, and a water rat, removed from her face. I blame it on my wife's fixation with "simply messing about in boats", and her constant re-reading of "The Wind in the Willows" while dressed as a weasel.

My memory has escaped me on a number of occasions. Once, by impersonating a 6 inch stiletto heel shoe, and once by posing as "Orecchiette"pasta, while working part-time as a hearing aid for a lap dancer. Anyway, today I met someone who claimed to be a long lost schoolfriend. We went and had lunch together. It appeared we hadn't seen each other since we were five-years-old. He gave me back an eraser he had stolen from me. It had been playing on his conscience all these years. We reminisced. He apologised for leaving early, and left me to pay the bill. It appears his conscience only applies to "rubber products".

Reflections: I 'm starting to believe my life is going backwards. It's as if everything is happening in reverse. In fact, it struck me that by seeing my life backwards I had a greater chance of making some sense of myself. I went to see my doctor:

"Hello Doktor Faustus."

"Don't forget to take the tablets as I told you."

"But, I'm only here?"

"You're obviously suffering from "misconception of the direction of time."syndrome. The belief that time only travels in one direction. Why, yesterday I saw a stockbroker walking down Street Wall."

"Surely you mean Wall Street? "

"No. He was walking backwards".

"I think my life is going in reverse?"

"Hello, and what can I do for you?"

I drove my car in reverse into town, parked at a restaurant, and paid for a meal I had still to order.