The Bare Necessities of Life, A Valuable Lesson, and The Stay-at-Homers

Today I'm not waiting for Godot, I'm waiting for an escalope of energy to pervade my body and mind. My marriage is badly frayed, my trousers and finances in shreds, I've mouths to feed - some with herpes simplex lesions - and my family has grown tired of eating soup every day made from my wife's left elbow. My wife isn't particularly happy either, especially during the simmering stage. Am I alone in thinking that the quest for longer life requires eating food? My doctor keeps saying, "Remember, think in terms of lifespan, not waistband," and "Your level of bad cholesterol is bad". I was going to ask the doctor the number of calories in a bowl of elbow soup but decided against. When I returned home I decided to research my own symptoms. I typed "bad cholesterol" into my favourite search engine. What I read was strange and disturbing. The medical information displayed on the Web site stated: "Choose Foods That Keep Bad Cholesterol at San Francisco Bay". Was it a typo? A deliberate misprint? My mind started racing. I had to run after it and pull it off my high wheeler. My thoughts quickly returned to my current plight. Could I sue myself for malpractice? Suddenly, I felt a whistle coming on. Either it was an approaching train, or I was going to faint. Surrounded by clouds of smoke I passed out.

I learned a valuable lesson today. If you feel tired, dejected, uneasy, and your stomach is sabotaged by cramps and attacks of diarrhoea, don't wear a light coloured suit. Not only will the suit make you look smaller and less significant - remember Richard Nixon during the television debate with John F Kennedy? - after a "little accident" it can appear you have a map of Cuba emblazoned on your posterior, which magically changes to the Mergui Archipelago as you try to walk with your thighs locked. What caused this unenviable mishap?

As I entered the cramped office, my bank manager was rocking his chair. As he was standing up I found his behaviour disconcerting. Then he took me by the lapels. His head was swollen, and seemed to get larger as he tried to cut of my air supply. Then he shouted, his veins pulsating, "I'm worth more than the rest of them all put together, aren't I?!" I nodded as if invaded by a narcotic containing a vast quantity of opium. What was he talking about? When I quietly told him the purpose of my visit - a request for an overdraft - he laughed hysterically, rolled his eyes, jumped on his desk, and danced the Charleston. Outside, I could hear him inside, still howling with laughter, and his feet tapping on the desk. Suddenly, I felt an arm on my shoulder. I thought it might be an old friend. I felt like the rain had stopped! It was an amputated arm! I must confess, I felt deranged. I didn't search for its owner, and hid it under my jacket. I walked home with my thights making inhuman noises. We made soup from the amputated arm. My wife was estactic to have a night off. It give her time to dress the burns on her elbow. Mind you, it didn't taste as good. I think it was an error keeping the Oris ProDiver Watch on the arm while making the soup.

Reflections: Can people say they truly know each other no matter how close the ties? Husband and wife; mother and daughter; father and son; siblings; relatives; work colleagues; friends; lovers. Our lack of knowledge about others - what they are really thinking - makes us all, sadly, most of the time, lonely. Those who suffer insecurity, and are unsure of themselves, sometimes adopt the opposite attitude, and become dictatorial at work, at home, with friends. They become hard, ruthless, and destroy other people's lives by inducing prolonged stress, strain, exhaustion, bullying. Why? To hide their own weaknesses, insecurity, and fear. The "Inducer's" get a high by throwing democratic thinking clean out the window, ruling by dictatorship, and getting a free ride to force fellow human beings to live under their shadow.

It might not scare you, but it scares the hell out of me. In the workplace of many companies and organisations the "Big Guns" aka "The Inducers" are well known, and - the worse part; get this - are given total immunity. The "peashooters" are left to take the strain, to try to breathe fresh air in the presence of a blowtorch. Seems the rise in working from home - "The Stay-at-Homers" - may be more beneficial to your health. Get rid of the car, skip the rush-hour traffic, put on your slippers, stay in your pyjamas, eat your cereal, clean your teeth, shower, read the paper, lock yourself in a room - off limits to your wife, children, and pets - packed with computers, laptops, cell phones, Blackberrys, videophones, high-speed Internet access. Your employer will be happy with your increased productivity, the tax credits they receive, savings in work space, and not having your lined, stressed, flushed face about the office. Just don't forget to put on your clothes and make-up before videoconferencing. That goes for the women too.