An Unexpected Awakening, No Cure for Growing Old, and To Hell in a Handcart

Sometimes when I am unable to sleep I sense the distant magic of my childhood. Our tied-cottage lay near the edge of a forest on one side, and cattle sheds and barns on the other. I smelt of cow-dung, and Jean of buttermilk. Lying on her back in the grass Jean stared at me with soft, pale eyes. Suddenly, she said, "Do whatever you want to me". Her smile was dazzling, teasing. Her face beautiful, her mouth soft. We never touched each other though we lay close. I remained silent while she talked. I was eight years old. She was thirteen, or fourteen. I felt terrified, my heart trembled, and emotional and physical disquiet descended upon me.

I gazed at at her wide-open eyes, and ash-blonde hair. I had never seen anything so beautiful, alive, and full of fantasy. She radiated sensitivity, warmth, protection. I was too young to answer her questions. Too naive to respond to her sudden impulse.

I don't regret my embarrassment, lack of intuition, or emotional paralysis. I did not love her. In fact, I do not pertain to know what love is. Perhaps I delude myself like so many others'? I remember the event without emotion. This may be untruthful. It lies encased in my memory - unreal, an unexpected awakening that happened while dumbstruck.

Her physical appearance haunts me, yet the vision is lost. While the event had undoubted consequences for us both, it remains, somehow, associated with loss, solidarity, loneliness. My immaturity may be seen as the reason I have never wished to grow old, age, and progress towards death. However, that is an easy answer and disregards valued relationships with family and friends. Maybe, I'm not alone? Perhaps it is an impossible task to confront reality each minute of every day. How else would we preserve our sanity and energy? And is this not the price we pay for a meaningful, authentic existence?

Reflections:   Some of us are going to hell in a handcart, unable to smile, unable to talk - and worse - unable to think. Has the cosmetic industry any positive features? No! Time to stop worrying about wrinkles, instant success, and where the "tooth fairy" stores all those teeth. Life is neither static, repetitive, timeless or devoid of reality. Live life while alive. Dead, it tends to be harder.