My Evergreen Plant, Relatives, & The Blog Tag

I'll get straight to it. I've a depressed evergreen plant on my hands - O.K., it's picked up some bad vibes from me from across the room - the leaves have turned Caramel Brown; which just happens to be the name of an old girlfriend. Everything I look at reminds me of her, especially her photographs. I used to call her, 'CB', for short. She called me, 'Loser.'

Anyway, my evergreen plant is starting to get up later each day, demanding coffee and the newspaper. Also, it habitually complains about the cold weather, and says our home is full of seal-hunters' dressed as egg white. It's worse at night. It's scared of the dark, and has to sleep in my room. The funny thing is - I purchased the plant to brighten up my life.

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When I was young I used to detest when uncles came to visit our home, sometimes with their irritating wives. Some were fat, bearded, spoke in loud voices, smelt of whiskey, and smoked cigars - the men weren't much better. Once, the combination of smells was overbearing. I had to hold my breath, or die. However, I held it too long, and passed out. When I came round a red-faced, plump woman said, "Look at my finger - yes, just as I thought. One of your eyes isn't moving . . ." I wet myself, and lost consciousness, again. From that moment onward, my life has moved unhindered between explosive joy, boundless terror, and hysterical laughter. I do believe I've wet myself again. Life has its ups and downs, and I need new underwear.

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Blog Tag, as initiated by Frieda Babbley. The following is not for the faint of heart, or mind.

List 1: Things I've always wanted to do

1. Ride an elephant to work and get my manager to pore through the dung for his monthly pay check;
2. Master vertical take-off, and landing, without an aircraft;
3. Wear a veiled hat to my optician's, and talk hysterically about my deteriorating eyesight;
4. To lie between Cécile De France, and Audrey Tautou, for one night in a large bed in a Paris hotel, eating grapes, drinking champagne - both ladies laughing, smiling, and conversing with me in French and English (I can't speak French, who cares?);
5. Wade up to my knees in the sea with my wife under the sparkling stars - the upshot, my wife has to walk on her hands throughout our stroll;
6. Learn the mysterious art of ventriloquism: then perhaps have someone to converse with;
7. Turn the tables on all the "bullies" I have encountered in my life - at school, during my career, socially, out on the street, etc. You know what I mean. All to parade through the city, each with a placard around their neck stating "I am a Bully";
8. Take my grand-daughter, Aimee, to Central Park, NY, to sit on the sculpture of "Alice in Wonderland" - something, everyone should do irrespective of age, or disposition.

List 2: Foods I love

1. The paintings of Francis Bacon - grilled;
2. Butter, only if pale blue;
3. Day lilies - only at night;
4. Fiddler crab - breaks my heart to eat them especially after they've performed a violin sonata;
5. My doctor said I should eat more fibre. I'm currently eating the hull of a boat. A guy told me that was " fibre-glass". So what? I'm starting to enjoy the taste, though a tad salty;
6. Runner beans when I can catch them;
7. Anything from the "Hellenistic Age" - great with home-made pitta bread;
8. Plays by Luigi Pirandello. So far I've consumed ten copies of " Six Characters in search of an Author". I recommend a good, second-hand copy with a stir-fry.

List 3: Things I love

1. Driving my jet-ski through the streets of my town;
2. Skipping without a rope;
3. Throwing turnips at my wife, and children, packed with explosives;
4. Works by Andy Warhol completed before 1927;
5. Sailing of Norway, and shouting " Here Boy!" at dogfish;
6. Running over people with my car who sport badges saying, "Frodo Lives";
7. Looking at the Earth from the Moon;
8. Laughter, beats the sound of crying any hour of the day.

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 Reflections: The modern era is often referred to as the 'Information Age,' not the 'Knowledge Age'. I do not find this strange. Why? Because information does not directly translate into knowledge. It must be processed, accessed, absorbed, comprehended, integrated. Knowing is not understanding. Furthermore, there is no simple answer to any question worth asking.