Friday, June 05, 2009

A Depressed Evergreen Plant

Aimee Kerrigan bringing home the harvest

I'll get straight to it. I've a depressed evergreen plant on my hands. It's not a great surprise that the plant has picked up bad vibes from staring at me from across the room. The plant's healthy foliage has turned a splotched and veined shade of - how best to describe it? - yes, caramel brown, which just happens to be the name of an ex-girlfriend. Everything I look at reminds me of Caramel; especially her photographs. I used to call her CB for short. She called me 'Loser.'

Anyhow, my evergreen plant is starting to get up later each day, demanding coffee and the newspaper. It habitually complains about the cold weather and believes our home is full of seal-hunters' dressed as egg white. It's worse at night. The evergreen plant is scared of the dark and has to sleep in my room. One night it had the audacity to undress and wriggle naked under the sheets of my bed. (Something I'll never forget, that's for sure.) The funny thing is: I purchased the bloody plant to brighten up my life.

When I was young I detested uncles visiting our family home; sometimes with their irritating wives. Some were fat, bearded, spoke in loud voices, smelt of whiskey and smoked cigars - the men weren't much better. One particular evening the combination of smells was so overbearing I had to hold my breath. I held it too long and passed out. When I came round a red-faced, plump woman said, 'Look at my finger - yes, just as I thought. One of your eyes isn't moving.' I wet myself and once more lost consciousness. From that moment on my life has moved unhindered between explosive joy and boundless terror. My bladder has just struck again. In truth, life is marked by ups and downs and stains in one's underwear.

Blog Tag, as initiated by Frieda Babbley. The following is not for the faint of heart, mind or wallet.

List 1: Things I've always wanted to do
  1. Master vertical take-off, and landing, without an aircraft;
  2. Rest between Cécile De France, and Audrey Tautou, in a large bed in a Paris hotel, eating grapes and drinking champagne - both ladies laughing, smiling, and conversing with me in French (I can't speak French, but who's counting?);
  3. Stop laughing in court when ordered by the judge;
  4. Dart around and sniff the ankles of passers-by like my dog, Metro;  
  5. To half-read a novel by Amanda McKittrick Ros;
  6. Take my grand-daughter, Aimee, to Central Park, NY, to sit on the sculpture of Alice in Wonderland - something, everyone should do, irrespective of age, or disposition.
List 2: Foods I love
  1. The paintings of Francis Bacon - grilled;
  2. Day lilies - only at night;
  3. Fiddler crab - breaks my heart to eat them especially after they've performed a violin sonata;
  4. My doctor said I should eat more fibre. I'm currently eating the hull of a boat. A guy told me it's made of fiber-glass; tastes a tad salty;
  5. Runner beans when I can catch them;
  6. Plays by Luigi Pirandello. So far I've consumed ten copies of Six Characters in search of an Author. I recommend a second-hand copy with a stir-fry.
List 3: Things I love
  1. Driving my jet-ski through the streets of my town;
  2. Skipping without a rope;
  3. Throwing turnips at my wife, and children, packed with explosives;
  4. Works by Andy Warhol completed before 1927;
  5. Sailing of Norway, and shouting "Here Boy" at dogfish;
  6. Looking at the Earth from the Moon.

      Reflection: Some people shrug their shoulders when asked a straight question due to the fact they don't like a conversation to end in failure.