Today I received an anonymous letter containing a blank piece of paper. It's the first letter I've received that I haven't found boring. I read it twice, and stuck it on the fridge.
I’m not full of energy in the morning. I can hear my next door neighbour outside talking to the postman. Their conversation is about the weather. What would people talk about if there was no weather? Beats me. I remember being asked by my geography teacher about the names of clouds, and I was completely flummoxed. ‘Do you think it will rain?’ ‘Not sure, but it might.’ ‘Have you heard the weather forecast?’ ‘No, but they never get it right. Too many variables.’ No wonder the post is always late.
I've been having some odd nightmares recently. One is about the film, ‘The Wizard of Oz.’ Those bleeding witches and winged monkeys flying round my room, and that bloody tornado! The other nightmare is about my wife starting to resemble an aardvark. Her hair was cut short recently, and for the first time I could see she has very long ears. Also, her tongue has become long and sticky, so "French kissing" is a definite no-no.
Wait a minute - hold on to your cookies! My wife is turning into an aardvark! That would explain why she is spending long periods in our back garden during the night; digging burrows, and eating ants and termites. The family hasn't enjoyed a warm meal in four days. What will the neighbours think? My wife and I are supposed to be flying to France next week; how will we explain her passport photograph, and her dietary requirements?
I discussed the position with a neighbour who is a "Scalpel Slave." She's had so many nose jobs, her nose now sits on her face where her left ear used to reside. When I asked her if she thought my wife might benefit from cosmetic surgery, she suggested my wife and I should go together, and get the same package. I left her ranting in the street about tummy tucks, eyelash transplant surgery and getting extra toes. She shouted after me, in a frenzy, "What else do you think I should get done?" Is the world going crazy?
Reflections:: Sometimes I feel like a little, red brick in a large, black building - dependent on what is beneath me, under me, over me, beside me, behind me - then I just opt for a large bucket of KFC chicken, grab me a few dozen "booster drinks", and spin like hell on my car swivel seat for two days to burn up some calories. I expect to be awake for at least a week, anyway, without sleeping. I want to be supercharged, superalert, supercool, superman, and . . . I want to grow my hair back.
Researchers (?!) say if I drink about "eighty cups of coffee" a day it may work. They wouldn't lie to us, would they? I'm on my sixtieth cup of coffee today, and I can't locate any hair on my head. And the worst part? I can't close my eyes and I'm scaring the kids half to death.
I’m not full of energy in the morning. I can hear my next door neighbour outside talking to the postman. Their conversation is about the weather. What would people talk about if there was no weather? Beats me. I remember being asked by my geography teacher about the names of clouds, and I was completely flummoxed. ‘Do you think it will rain?’ ‘Not sure, but it might.’ ‘Have you heard the weather forecast?’ ‘No, but they never get it right. Too many variables.’ No wonder the post is always late.
I've been having some odd nightmares recently. One is about the film, ‘The Wizard of Oz.’ Those bleeding witches and winged monkeys flying round my room, and that bloody tornado! The other nightmare is about my wife starting to resemble an aardvark. Her hair was cut short recently, and for the first time I could see she has very long ears. Also, her tongue has become long and sticky, so "French kissing" is a definite no-no.
Wait a minute - hold on to your cookies! My wife is turning into an aardvark! That would explain why she is spending long periods in our back garden during the night; digging burrows, and eating ants and termites. The family hasn't enjoyed a warm meal in four days. What will the neighbours think? My wife and I are supposed to be flying to France next week; how will we explain her passport photograph, and her dietary requirements?
I discussed the position with a neighbour who is a "Scalpel Slave." She's had so many nose jobs, her nose now sits on her face where her left ear used to reside. When I asked her if she thought my wife might benefit from cosmetic surgery, she suggested my wife and I should go together, and get the same package. I left her ranting in the street about tummy tucks, eyelash transplant surgery and getting extra toes. She shouted after me, in a frenzy, "What else do you think I should get done?" Is the world going crazy?
* * *
Reflections:: Sometimes I feel like a little, red brick in a large, black building - dependent on what is beneath me, under me, over me, beside me, behind me - then I just opt for a large bucket of KFC chicken, grab me a few dozen "booster drinks", and spin like hell on my car swivel seat for two days to burn up some calories. I expect to be awake for at least a week, anyway, without sleeping. I want to be supercharged, superalert, supercool, superman, and . . . I want to grow my hair back.
Researchers (?!) say if I drink about "eighty cups of coffee" a day it may work. They wouldn't lie to us, would they? I'm on my sixtieth cup of coffee today, and I can't locate any hair on my head. And the worst part? I can't close my eyes and I'm scaring the kids half to death.
4 comments:
LOL Oh my goodness! It's crazy what people have done these days! And for what reason??? Insanity!
Wow, I'm jealous about that letter! I wish I could get one of those someday!
I've tagged you in blog tag, so in case you don't get the feed or check in for a while, come see! It's okay to scare kids half to death by the way. I do it all the time. Well, I try to. They just point and laugh.
you really should be a comedian. When you rant I giggle so hard... i could just picture someone standing on stage, monotone voice bantering about the things you do... and honest to god it's hilarious! you are a wonderful writer!
Hi Dani, Frieda, & Bambi,
Thanks for passing by and posting comment.
Most people think I am a comedian because I juggle my eyeballs and walk on stilts at work. I'm a fish food tester and spend most of my day immersed in water. The joke is I can't swim and hate soggy sanwiches.
Best regards
Ronnie
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