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Showing posts from May, 2009

I Married an Aaardvark

This afternoon I received an anonymous letter containing a blank piece of paper.It's the first letter I haven't found boring. I read it twice and stuck it on the fridge.
* I’m not full of energy in the morning. I can hear my next door neighbour outside talking to the postman. Their conversation is about the weather. What would people talk about if there wasn't any weather? I remember at school being asked by a geography teacher to name one type of cloud and was completely flummoxed. I was immediately removed from the class, poured into a cold large bowl, and stirred briskly with a fork. I lost consciousness as I was poured over slices of cooked boiled potato.

‘Do you think it will rain?’ ‘Not sure, but it might.’ ‘Have you heard the weather forecast?’ ‘No, but they never get it right. Too many variables.’ No wonder the post is bloody late.

* I've been having odd nightmares recently. One is about a film: The Wizard of Oz. Those bleeding witches and winged monkeys fly…

The Mortuary Attendant

Today, I met with a man at loftier peaks than me. Sometimes words can't do justice to the blackness of a meeting, a rendezvous, a lunch engagement, a secret liaison with a lover. My boss is undoubtedly well-liked, but not as a leader or manager. Everyone is aware he wears a toupee: it resides on his left shoulder.
Few people have the pleasing opportunity to choose those they work with and in surroundings harmonious to the ear and eye. Who wants to work with the lazy and slavish? In a way, what may be viewed to the outsider as "unity" may be - to the insider - a concoction of misery, exhausting conflicts, irritability, opportunism, indifference and simple sucking-up. A sense of inadequacy haunts each one of us. Most human beings are saddled with superimposed secrets.
How long have you been here?

About one minute, sir

Not in my office ... with the organisation?

Fifteen years.

Are you happy here?

Is that a serious question?

Why do you feel that?

Well, I just don't feel…

Lena & The Seagull

I'm married, at present, to my fifth wife, Lena - she is a beautiful and lively person; sometimes extremely emotional, sometimes chaotic, sometimes tall, sometimes small (I'm not a scientist, nor aware of the cause of this condition). Buying Lena clothes, however, can present extreme difficulties, as I'm not sure what size she will be at a particular hour of the day. She has a talent for imitating people. At breakfast this morning she let her jaw drop, rolled her eyes across the table, and mumbled incoherently in a dull, dark voice. Silence fell over the table, over a chair, and left the room to go to the toilet. I laughed and smiled at Lena. " Well, who were you impersonating? I must admit I'm at a loss." "You," said Lena, lowering her eyes.

Silence returned to the room, and I asked if he had washed his hands. He replied yes. I was immediately suspicious as he doesn't have hands. Any fool could see that! Anyway, where was I? Yes. Love anything…

How to walk without your mouth open

I woke this morning - which is always a good thing - to a strange phenomenon. The handmade velvet blanket covering my bed was emblazoned with crop circles. I know such formations usually appear in wheat, barley, rye, and other crops adorning this Earth. Often on highlands, and intricate in design. How an alien spaceship landed in my bedroom without wakening me has left me unsettled. However, I believe the experience has cured an ailment which has plagued my entire adult life; I can finallywalk around without my mouth open.  

When my wife came into the bedroom she give an 'unearthly' scream; she had never seen me without my pyjamas before. She began to laugh - an emotion she hasn't the countenance for - and conjectured that it may have been the work of pranksters who had breached our home during the night.

I don't believe in 'paranormal activity' except when my wife and I attempt sex. How will I sleep tonight? Probably with my eyes closed. I have sprinkled whe…

When Things Go Right, Something Must be Wrong

I enjoy urban walking, eating out, browsing in shops, indoor and outdoor markets; preferably in a country other than my own. There's less chance of bumping into someone you can't place either in name, or relevance. Lapses of memory can happen to anyone. I remember one day wearing a yellow pullover to work, and only becoming aware of my 'fashion faux pas' when my orange shell suit caught fire on the train journey home.

Last week I met a woman I couldn't place. We conversed about the weather, the recession, politics, philosophy, and where the moon goes when it disappears into the sea. She reminded me of Mickey Mouse. I believe it was the prominent black ears and squeaky voice. Try as I might my memory failed to recall her significance. In a way it's like treading a narrow, steep, mountain path in cold, weary weather, only to wonder why you didn't stay back at the warm hotel and order a bottle, or two, of Chablis Fourchaume, and get tipsy.

No soo…

Audrey Tautou, The Psychic Sisters & 'Heroic Uncle Teddy'

Audrey Tautou certainly charmed me as the ingenue in Amelie. I'm pleased to learn Audrey plays the heroine in Anne Fontaine’s film Coco avant Chanel(2009) and is the new face of 'Chanel No 5.' I believe the poster for her new film has been banned in France. It features the French actress holding a cigarette and is deemed 'unhealthy and inappropriate.' Paradoxically, further publicity for the film.

It is difficult for me to imagine Amelie played by another actress. Indeed, Audrey's gamine face is now world famous. She possesses a child-woman persona, and a performance style that embraces naturalness and ingenuity. She has also been graced with high cheekbones; big, dark eyes; beautiful, smooth skin; plump lips & a sexy smile; and a symmetrically, attractive beauty.

I travel periodically to Paris in forlorn hope of encountering Audrey in a boutique, a gallerie, or just passing by on the sidewalk on a warm autumn evening beneath a fog of neon.


I went to see …

Steven Berkoff & Greatness

Did the 'man in black' deliver the goods during his one-man show, so to speak? Indeed, and much more. He used his gifts of mime, impersonation, sheer stage presence, to deliver a truly polished, physical, and mesmerizing performance. His analysis of villains, in general, and several of Shakespeare's villains, in particular, was a mixture of comic stand-up, and thespian histrionics.

His performance was insightful, thought provoking, and witty. Indeed, contemporary politicians, political ideologies, and other devious characters who pound our god-forsaken earth daily striving to obtain, and sustain power - at all costs - did not escape his mighty tongue. Think Clinton, Bush, Blair, Mugabe, theatre critics, actors, bosses, work colleagues, pseudo-friends, etc - the list is endless, but you get the drift? A true talent, and dare I say, perhaps a genius.

I have been a great admirer of Berkoff's works for years. An authentic, cerebral maverick. I met him after the show in th…